This is the way the world ends

You know, I read it in a magazine, oh-oh.

2009-06-24T05:59:03Z

I am a disappointed fool.

I like being the only one who reads this, because I get this satisfaction out of posting it openly, publicly, so that if anyone dug, they could see only the things I really need someone to see. Anyone to see.

I like knowing that I am screaming as loud as I could, because everyone in the world could access this. I like knowing that no one will.

So you two, uh, you dig up, dig up dinosaurs?

2009-06-06T05:54:25Z

I love Jurassic Park. Jessica is going to lend me The Lost World when she's done reading it. I am excited.

I want this awkwardness to dissipate, just fall between the floorboards and settle.

I am going to Disney World in two weeks. This is really awesome because I am a sucker for theme parks. Gavin and I want to go to Universal Studios soon too. He's never been, I'm pretty sure, and we'd have a lot of fun. Jessica and I are going to get our faces painted there!

I am going to start applying to more lucrative jobs. I am also going to call the Slavic department and inquire about the likelihood of being able to double major. I am certain I can do it. I just have to make adjustments to my schedule. I'll never get another financial aid opportunity like this again, so I really ought to take advantage of it while I can. We shall see!

I look forward to my life.

And yes it's me that he's always choosin'.

2009-06-02T22:11:30Z

I am pretty sure everything will be drastically different from here on out.

Oh, you know that I'd do anything for you!

2008-12-11T05:12:19Z

We had Secret Santa tonight. Garrett got me two things of yarn and four romance novels. It was wonderful. Alex Thomas got Leah a six-pack of Corona, so a group of us split that in Sarah's room afterward. I am now in my room, thinking about how badly I need to pack.
Part of me is going to miss this, I think. But then I know I'm only happy because I know I'm leaving. I knew that this would happen, which is sort of aggravating, because part of me is questioning that (although I knew I'd do that as well). I'm going to visit these people that I like, and if I want any chance of graduate school or studying abroad in my lifetime, I cannot be here. I hate admitting how poor we really are. I know I am about to sound like a snot-nosed brat, but when reading this one must keep in mind that I am only seventeen. On Sunday, my mum basically told me that she is cutting me off. Not because of any anger or that I'm a slacker who has leeched off of her for too long--she just doesn't have any money with which to help me. Thankfully, she's still paying for my medical stuff and she's going to pay for my gas until I manage to get wholly on my own two feet. She's a great mum. I'm going to miss living with her a lot. It's weird, because when I left her house in August, I didn't know it would be the last time I'd live with her. I am having some trouble with that. She's such a great lady. She's just been so busy lately, with work and with Fred, that I never know when to call her. I'm seeing her tomorrow and staying the night at her new house before returning to Tallahassee Friday morning.
I'll be staying in her empty house, because there is no way I'm going to live with my dad. I just worry he'll get offended and not give me the bed that is technically mine. I don't want to be bedless!
I know that when I get back, I'll find at least one job and then I will be okay for then. I'm probably going to acquire a second, eventually. I need money, because I need to pay for living expenses and I'd also very much like to keep my acrylic nails (which have all fallen off since I've not had them done since the second or third of November). I'm going to wait on those, until I'm sure that I can afford them.
I sound very spoiled, but I promise I am not.
I need to pack now. And study for English. Fuck.

I can save you, baby!

2008-12-08T07:07:25Z

Jessica came in town this Friday. It was a lot of fun. I got to show her a lot of New Orleans. We went to Bourbon when she got in town around ten p.m. with my good friend Leah. It's not the best place, but you have to experience it if you go to New Orleans for the first time. Anyway, we went to Fritzel's; it was nice. All I had was one Rum & Coke and one pineapple vodka, and boy am I a lightweight. It's absolutely pathetic. D: Jessica said I'm almost exactly the same when I'm like that, only take more pauses when I speak and close my eyes a bit. I guess I'm strange enough already? Anyway, we walked to Cafe Du Monde after that and split an order of beignets. Leah was a bit tipsy at this point, but she was just more giggly and jolly (she's usually incredibly jolly anyway). I think Leah may be one of my favourite people on campus, and I may miss her more than others. We went back to campus via streetcar, and then went to The Dough Bowl off of Broadway to get ridiculously cheap pizza. I'm not sure what we did after that but we stayed up until five in the morning.

The next day, we met up with her friend Zack and spent most of the day with him, eating crepes and walking around Magazine street until nine o'clock. We had a lot of fun. We went to Juan's Flying Burrito and it was delicious. Jessica bought me a beautiful pirate shirt! I'm in love. We went back to the dormitory and sat around, trying to work because it was the weekend before exams. We did that for a bit, then went out to this art instillation that was a set of illuminated steps leading to nowhere. We played on them for an hour almost, when these incredibly intoxicated men blasting that "Shout, shout, let it all out" song. They pulled up alongside us because we started dancing along to their music. They then played "Land Down Under" by Men at Work and I was dancing a lot. They video taped us because, apparently, we were ridiculous looking. The main man asked if I dressed thusly on a daily basis. I told him yes and he replied, "You're like...George Fuckin' Washington!" It was hilarious.

We left the instillation and went to the dorm again, messing around and looking at things. We went to bed past four, then I drove her to Milton, where we'd met, around eleven in the morning. I am now in my dorm again. They held a surprise going away party for me. It was sweet. I am going to eat chips with my friends.

Lines form on my face and hands.

2008-12-02T19:48:41Z

Alice Cooper is such a badass. I have always been such a huge fan.
So, I finished two papers last night. I was really proud of myself. Unfortunately, the professor had misinformed us and the English paper (the one that is nine pages) was not due until Thursday. Whoops.
Shit. I just did the calculations, and unless there's a curve, I'm getting a D+ in Genetics. This is really, really not cool. Ugh. Why did I think this class would be a good idea? I don't know. Jesus Christ, I'm so dumb. I knew I was bad at science. I'm too ambitious, I think. Christ.
On a bright note, I have ten more days of this, and only seven more days to think about Genetics. Also, if I manage to do well on my final exam, I can bring it up to a C! It's okay. I'll just try hard for my exam. It will work. I'll at least get a C, so as to bring my grade up (I have a 69.something right now, and only need a few more points to push it up to a very low C). It's alright. I am just determined to do well on this exam. I will pull through.
I finished my two main papers, though, leaving me with little left to do. Relatively speaking. I have to read a lot for English, comprehend Genetics, write a few paragraphs on Normandy, and do my Images of Masculinity project. It's not so bad. Jessica is coming in town this weekend, though. I hope we do schoolwork on top of everything else. D:
Blegh, this is a boring entry all about schoolwork, sorry.
I'm so excited for moving back! I'll live in my mum's for two weeks, then move in with Mallory! I just hope some things don't get to be a problem/awkward. I worry far too much. Everything will be great.
Even more great news: I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for the fifteenth. Thank God. Now I just need to lose 10 pounds before they weigh me. Shit.

UUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh.

2008-11-27T19:07:39Z

So, I basically just came here to bitch. Thanksgiving blows this year, because I'm at my dad's house, that stinks heavily of pretentio-
Oh, nevermind. He just gave me a glass of Beaujolais Nouveau. Life is fine.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I should be doing my topical review.

2008-11-18T05:14:25Z

So, I want to do something as crazy as Bonnie and Clyde did. I want to go down in history, in love and blazing glory. It'd be so fantastic. I'm trying to run this idea by Gavin, but I don't know how he'd feel about it.

I'm pretty certain everyone on this floor, or a select few people anyway, hate me. Tessa vandalized a poster that Garrett and David made, and now everyone is making such an enormous deal about what transpired that I just went off and had a big bitch-fest toward them. Basically, they think I'm positively rotten. Maybe they're right. Maybe they all have nothing better to worry about than petty occurrences and cannot possibly wrap their heads around the bigger picture of life. God, they are so stupid. Zack just farted. Jesus Christ. My friends here are great. They're all in my dorm right now and a bunch of ridiculous drama is going on right now. I swear, I must get out of here because I feel like I'm in a highschool with dormitories. It's absolutely deplorable. God. I really like this small group of people, and my roommate, but that is not enough to keep me. I can't spend so much money on a school that is not that great. Better to go to a University that is worth it's price, right?

God. Maybe I should make good with these people. Maybe it's not important because I am leaving in twenty-five days. I think the latter is true. I've always wanted to rouse passionate emotion from masses of people. Maybe this is a good place to start.

It sounds like I'm unhappy, but in truth I'm so fucking elated. My weekend was bliss, my life is bliss. I am getting surgery, it will be okay. Everything is going to be alright.

EDIT: Mallory, I will call you eventually. Everyone is in my room right now.

I have so much shit I should be doing, Jesus Christ.

2008-11-18T01:42:28Z

This girl is totally lying about her age:

She's gotta be thirteen.

I will update more later.

You talk like a zombie.

2007-06-18T18:58:39Z

I have a really strange love of cephalopods. They're really neat.

I spoke to Courtney today. I had dropped Gavin off outside of TCC, and sat down to read while I waited for him to be done with his English class, and she came up to me. It was so weird. Two years of silent animosity and ignoring one another, and finally she came to me and asked, "May I sit down?" It was so odd. She apologized. That was all I'd wanted from her, an apology. We said goodbye after talking a while. I feel bizarre now.

For some reason I cried once I took Gavin home. He held me and I cried - he's never seen me cry and it's really, really embarrassing. I don't cry very often at all. We've been dating a year and a half and this is the first time I've cried to him. Agh. I didn't even really have a reason.

On another note, I GOT GERBILS YAYAYAY! They're really cute.

It's an art easel.

2007-06-12T18:22:33Z

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=37709911&albumID=0&imageID=8827065

This girl seemed kind of annoying, but for some reason I liked this picture a lot.
I'll take this down after a bit, and I'll save it to a different computer, not this one. I really want to paint. The "n" key on this computer is funny - it pops off all the time.

I'm making cupcakes with Gavin in a little bit. I hope people actually eat them. They're for Ji Young, because she's leaving for South Korea. ;___;

I am excited about living my life. I like being so very close.

Why are you always hiding? Why are you always mourning?

2007-04-10T02:04:02Z

I am silly.

After such knowledge, what forgiveness?

2007-03-14T21:56:20Z

Oh, god.
I don't know I don't know. How the fuck did you ever, ever, get into this?
She doesn't understand, oh please help her understand.
~~She's so fucking stupid.~~
All eloquence of words has left me.

Fever 103.

2007-02-16T03:19:26Z

Pure? What does it mean? The tongues of hell are dull, dull as the triple tongues of dull, fat, Cerberus, who wheezes at the gate. Incapable of licking clean the aguey tendon, the sin, the sin. The tinder cries. The indelible smell of a snuffed candle. Love, love, the low smokes roll from me like Isadora's scarves, I'm in a fright one scarf will catch and anchor in the wheel. Suche yellow, sullen smokes make their own element. They will not rise, but trundle round the globe, choking the aged and meek, the weak hothouse baby in it's crib, the ghastly orchid hanging it's hanging gardens in the air, devilish leopard! Radiation turned it white, and killed it in an hour. Greasing the bodies of adulterers like Hiroshima ash and eating in. The sin, the sin. Darling, all night I have been flickering, off, on; off, on. The sheets grow heavy as a lecher's kiss. Three days, three nights. Lemon water, chicken water, water make me wretch. I am too pure for you or anyone. Your body hurts me as the world hurts God. I am a lantern - my head a moon of Japanese paper, my gold beaten skin infinitely delicate and infinitely expensive. Does not my heat astound you! And my light! All by myself I am a huge camellia, glowing and coming and going, flush on flush. I think I am going up, I think I may rise - the beads of hot metal fly, and I love, I am a pure acetylene virgin attended by roses, by kisses, by cherubim, by whatever these pink things mean! Not you, nor him, nor him, nor him (my selves dissolving, old whore petticoats) - to Paradise.

I have to recite that tomorrow. I'm so terribly nervous.